by Matthew Dessem · December 1, 2019
“You were where?”
Warner Bros. Television
The celebs are at it again! Talk show host ELLEN DEGENERES invited actress DAKOTA JOHNSON to appear on Ellen, but the interview had barely begun when the two Hollywood mega-stars commenced to a-fussin’ and a-feudin’! It seems that Dakota invited Ellen to her swanky 30th birthday party, where comedian TIG NOTARO performed. But not only did Ellen skip the party, she had the nerve to accuse Dakota of not inviting her in the first place! Here’s the clip:
Awkward! Ellen and Dakota’s birthday party dispute dates back to 2018, when Dakota went on Ellen’s show to dispute rumors that she and musician CHRIS MARTIN were expecting a BABY! But in the process of debunking one scandal, Dakota inadvertently started a new one, when she revealed to Ellen that she had held a birthday party but had not invited her, even though Ellen invited Dakota to her birthday party, where comedian TIG NOTARO performed. (To be completely accurate, Ellen invited Chris to her birthday party, correctly assuming that Dakota would come along.) Here’s the clip:
Awkward! It’s been a drama-filled fall for Ellen, who recently faced controversy after a video surfaced showing her and wife PORTIA DE ROSSI hanging out at a DALLAS COWBOYS game with GEORGE W. BUSH, who has spent his entire life causing immeasurable human suffering in all sorts of ways, at least one of which targeted Ellen and Portia personally. Here’s the clip:
Awkward! But Ellen and Portia aren’t the only people who would have beef with George if they didn’t consider class solidarity between rich people more important than holding anyone accountable for their past actions! In 2003, Bush launched a headline-making feud with MOST OF THE PLANET that resulted in the deaths of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES WE WILL NEVER KNOW. Here’s the clip:
Awkward! But the GHOSTS OF THE NAMELESS PEOPLE GEORGE KILLED weren’t the only celebrity drama addicts to side with Dakota over Ellen: Even people who survived George still have unresolved issues with him, because he oversaw a NETWORK OF TORTURE PRISONS! Here’s the clip:
Awkward! Still, as Ellen explained after facing a public backlash, her well-documented willingness to politely attend social events with George isn’t a sign that she is comfortable with homophobia or preemptive war or torture. Quite the contrary: It’s a sign that she is a very nice and very kind person. Here’s the clip:
Entirely convincing! But unfortunately for Ellen, it turns out that Dakota’s birthday party took place on the very same weekend that she was chilling with George. Palling around with a war criminal is one thing, palling around with a war criminal who based his reelection campaign on demonizing you is another thing, but skipping Dakota Johnson’s birthday party—Dakota, who has neither started any wars nor killed anyone (that we know of)—in order to do so? That is the kind of morally indefensible behavior that the public will not soon forget—and may never forgive. Awkward.
Matthew Dessem is Brow Beat’s nights and weekends editor and the author of a biography of screenwriter and director Clyde Bruckman.
Slate · by Matthew Dessem · December 1, 2019